Boys Will Be Boys, Part 2
...or "The Consequences of Not Allowing Children to Face Consequences"

To read part one of this article, view the November, 2010 CPLS newsletter issue at http://www.cpls.org/uploads/2010_November.pdf.

What I am going to write about in the newsletter today is not a touchy feely approach to child rearing. Now that I have piqued your attention, I've also noticed that what was once a patriarchal society (sometimes too much so) has been replaced by mothers who, with the best of intentions, can feminize their sons by not allowing them to face consequences. Couple the last thought with a disengaged father and it leaves boys without the role model and direction they need and want. The older a boy gets, the more likely this micromanagement can almost unbelievably lead to a resentment of the mother. It is hard to tell a mom this, but I've seen it over and over. Parents of girls aren't exempt, however. Resentment of an overbearing parent happens for both sons and daughters.

I think it is a good thing for our sons and daughters to work, struggle, fail and succeed while they are young. It's a must that young men and women face the consequences of their actions AND take responsibility for them. Additionally, it's good for them to understand that life is difficult and things are not always, maybe even rarely, fair. It is at this point that we parents can do the most unintentional damage to our boys and girls. We must teach them that some of the hardest but most valuable lessons learned did not necessarily involve a poor choice. It's sheer folly to assume that even if the right choice is made, there are no difficult circumstances to endure. When parents attempt to rescue children from difficulty, they rob them of a number of things: a feeling of accomplishment, an understanding that one can do things well and still fail, and the recognition that life is a marathon, not a 100-yard dash. It also teaches children to rely on God's providential care during trials.

Please hear what I am saying and recognize what I am not: While I am saying that the reticence to allow our children to learn from failure can keep them from learning important lessons, I am not saying that parents shouldn't ever step in to assist their children. In fact, knowing when to step in and when not to do so is a wisdom issue. There are strategic times when parents should intervene but they should lessen through time, not increase. If you tend to be running more interference for your children as the years go by, that should alert you to a potential problem. An additional thought is the older the student is, the more crucial it is that the student be present for those interventions. Having the child there allows both teacher and parent to ask questions directly to the student. This allows a child to either take responsibility or defend himself as well. Parents who intercede for their children all through school are robbing them of a necessary skill in life.
We all have areas of strengths and weaknesses in our parenting skills. In fact, parenting is an art, and one thing I've learned about art is that few artists are born great artists. It takes time and instruction. So it is with parenting. If you feel a need for assistance in this area, I'm glad to be a sounding board for you. If you'd like some resources to assist, I offer these book suggestions: Shepherding a Child's Heart, Instructing a Child's Heart, The Heart of Anger and The Age of Opportunity. This last resource is for parents of older students.

Dr. Michael Johnson
CPLS Headmaster